FINAL POST

Ummm.

My mother has been reading my blog. I just found this out tonight.

Purely by coincidence, I temporarily closed shop here because I have been trying to figure out what to do with this place. Well, now I have my answer! Thanks Mom!

T'was bound to happen, but at the same time it was unexpected.

Forgive me, I am a little lost for words.

In my heart of hearts, I hope my mother can see beyond my pain and anger. I don't want to hope. Hope has crushed me so often.

Mother, did you cry reading about our reunion story? Did you remember those good times, those early times, those times I can't seem to forget?

As high as the sky, as deep as the ocean, as far as I can see, and with all my heart

I don't want you to be 90 and me to be 70 and we are still fighting about adoption.

How could you read my words and not call me?

How could you not see me here?

I always thought, you know, if we could just talk it all out, with you listening without fighting and getting defensive, I always thought that if you gave me a chance you would see me.

Well, this was/is your chance! It's all here! You read, you saw, you never called.

I've never in my life told you that I never wanted to see you again. I've never in my life denied that you are my mother. I don't know what else to say. It was all here!

This blog is now a carcas.

This is sad to me, but it is also OK.

Mother does the truth hurt? I know that it does. I've lived with it every day. Your guilt has killed us. You could not reach your guilt, instead you denied it. Instead you lived in a fantasyland that makes it A-OK to abandon your child. Is that all you know? Parenting is for life, did you miss that memo?

23 years! What a fucking mess!

How was your birthday?

You saw the pics of my new place, what do you think? Not too shabby, eh?

I hope you have read the blogs on my links. I hope you have learned something.

I'm rambling now, in a speechless sort of way.

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To my blogging friends. Thank you. Thank you a million times for the support. Thank you for reading, and checking on me. I know I am a sucky blogger. Thank you Rhonda for my award. Thank you ATM for introducing me to blogging. Thank you Joy for being so fabulous, I love your style. Thank you Theresa for being the bomb, you rock a million times, you are too good for words. Thanks to all the mothers for sharing your stories. I still miss Nicole's blog.

There are too many people to thank. I can't name them all.

You know where to find me.

I'm not going anywhere, but this blog is done.

Bye blog.

I have to go, sooner than I expected. I hate Good-byes.

This feels like a really shitty ending, I'm sorry.