I can't stand the sight...

of pregnant women.

Last night out for dinner, a pregnant woman was next to me and I had to avert my eyes. I have a very weak stomach, and when I see a pregnant women I nearly want to upchuck.

I know that will offend people, but that is not my intent. I'm just being honest.

I used to think, well it's because they are fat. But, no, obese people do not offend me. Sometimes it is hard for me to dig deeper. I hate being in pain. I do not relish in pain.

The reason why I can't stand the sight of pregnant women is because it is very triggering. I just assume the mother to be is keeping her child, whereas I was tossed out with the trash. Why couldn't I have a mother who kept me?

And I think back to when my mother was pregnant with me, I swear I have those memories in my cells, and I imagine she was shame faced. I imagine her hate for me grew with each passing day, as her belly swelled. I imagine she cursed when she could not fit into her favorite jeans. I imagine she just wanted to get it all over with, so she could be free of me.

I have no joyous birth story. My mother can't even remember the time I was born.

The pain starts in my eyes, they sting without even crying, moves down through my throat nearly suffocating me, into my stomach, tightening and crushing me, like my own pain wants to kill me.

Is that my mother reaching back in time trying to snuff me out?

Where do I get my will to live?

I do not know.